3 am Blogging at its best :)

This week I felt it would be mighty appropriate to discuss something thats very close to my heart. A topic that is crucial to our very existance, a subject that is rampant amongst mankind, and most importantly, ironically amusing if seen through the right light. This vital information to which i am referring is obviously, none other than: The poisoning of our friends. Yes, you read correctly. And when i say firends i do not mean those lurking in my museum - i mean actual friends... humans... those with 2 legs, 2 eys and hopefully only one nose.

believe it or not, posisoning of the neighbors is a lot more common than one might think. Sure it doenst make headlines that often - maybe only on page 56 on the bottom right corner, underneath the winner of the town pig racing contest, but i assure you it is there!! you see killing our neighbors via poison dates back all the way ... since... well...way back then - farther than you can imagine - and gosh darn it - it still goes on today, and i feel that as an american citizen (only 1/4 peruvian so dont worry) it is my duty to warn those that i love and care about (the ones i dont love, it wouldnt really matter now would it?) and to inform of the dangers that possibly lurk in the shadows.

Now, of course you are asking yourselves - why is this subject so close to my heart? The truth of the matter is that recently, in my own personal life, i was poisoned --- (pause for dramatic effect) - i, duby litvin, had an attempt on my life by poisoning.... it was very subtle, yet very much there. Thank G-d (or Shmully, whichever one) i noticed just in the nick of time and was spared and i pass along to you my readers what i have learned so that you may learn from my mistakes.

Lesson Number 1: Posion can come in many forms. It takes any village idiot not to accidentally use Rat poisoning instead of the Sweet n Low box (if that has happened to you, i apologize, but you are actually a village idiot and should consider working for the town of Chelm). But what you may not realize is that if the attacker has any brains at all he (or she as in my case) will be coy and subtle in their ways of planting the poison. In my very own case - it was none other through the very alluring, the very sumptuous and oh so tempting plate of fresh homeade chocolate cake!!! Its smell alone could kill a person (although i dont think that was the intent.) So in short - be careful... if someone wants to whack you off - they're probably not going to do it through a serving of wilted brussel sprouts.

Lesson Number 2: Watch your assailant very closely. Odds are - if they dont eat their own chocolate cake, chances are its laced with something skeptical. Be it some reefer or some other substance, you're better off to politely decline than wind up in the city morgue. This is where i was sadly mistaken. This warm chewy chocolate cake was so tempting to me that i failed to listen to my own "espionage Knowledge" lessons and forgot to eye my host. Lo and behold, my so- called Friend, not only refused to eat her own cake (that she herself baked) but announced loud and clear to us all that she had come down with 101 fever and claimed that she had merely "lost her apetite" and couldnt eat a thing. However after the fact - i did notice a half eaten back of potato chips next to her bed, along with an empty soda can. (although sources tell me the soda can was someone else's although the evidence is too overpowering to ignore.) In any rate, the point is that as innocent as our friend may have seemed, the fact was that this is proof alone that she tried to kill us all !!!!! And ps - just as a side note (a possible appendix to my criminal report soon to be filed)... my so called Friend asked me as i was scarfing down piece after piece of cake, "its a good recipe but it seems to be missing something, no?" This alone is cause for indictment, she knew herself something was wrong with the pastry but wanted to throw me off her trail and get me to think that she might have messed up the recipe somehow!

Lesson Number 3: This of course is the most MOST important lesson of all (they usually save the best lesson for last... the kicker...the sincher... the - whatever - you get the point) And that lesson is: Put 911 on speed dial. While writhing in pain later that evening .. and mind you poison doesnt always kick in within minutes of consumption like on the movies (such as Princess Bride) - It is not Inconcievable (hehe) to think that it takes about 5-6 hours for hte posion to fully work its way through the blood stream, and by that time it is too late for many law officers to fully realize a connection between the posioner and poisonee (ok that might not be a word but its about time they add it to the dictionary!!!!). After about 5 hours of wolfing down about 7 pieces of cake (ok that should be lesson number .05: 1 piece of cake wont really kill you, but 7 will!) - suddenly a very odd wave of weirdness overcame me... thinking it was the leftover meatloaf in the fridge from 2 weeks ago Thursday, i merely went to the bathroom to try to -- well -- ya know ... but seemingly it wasnt really hte problem... it was then i realized that i had fallen for the oldest trick in the book... this was it.. the end and it was coming sooner than i had thought. And here i was stuck on the toilet with no toilet paper. I couldnt very well yell for help - being that it was about 2 am... it was just me and bowl. Me and the crapper...

About an hour later - after i came to, on the bathroom tile floor face to face with one of my museum bug corpses (this one i believe was a relation to Pete - it had wings but no eyes) - i immediately sat up (mind you i wasnt interested in a midnight snack consisting of dead bugs and bathroom floor crud). I then bolted for the door and as the awareness of my situation had settled in and it dawned on me that i was in fact part of an attempted poisoncide (yes damn it - that should be a word too!) i immediately did what any self respecting good samaritan (and most likely american) would do... i took the responsibilty, the wisdom and the courage to take the law into my own hands so our streets will be safe once again!!!!

Yes my friends you guessed it: I hacked into her myspace, facebook and gmail accounts and changed all her passwords!!!! This is what we call American Justice at its best.